Tuesday, 22 July 2008

• Saying Goodbye

  Yesterday I did something that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do: I ended things with my ex-boyfriend. Since most of you don't know me all that well, I will explain a bad habit of mine. I tend to let people walk all over me. B broke up with me because he "couldn't" be there for me the way "I needed him to be." But see, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I wasn't at the same priority level in his life as he was in mine. That was all I really wanted - to be a priority in his life. It wasn't that he couldn't be there for me, it was that he didn't want to put in the effort.
  
  Anyway, so he broke up with me, but then we spent two romantic weekends together, and he called me every day and texted me "I miss you" and things like that. We were basically still together, and nothing had really changed except maybe that he was being way more clingy than when we were actually together. I had very mixed feelings about this "together but not together"ness (it gets a lot more complicated than I'm even explaining...) and this week he had been particularly clingy, texting me asking if I was avoiding him, telling me he doesn't want me to forget him because I hadn't had time to talk much in the last week and things like that, so I decided I'd had enough. It wasn't fair that he expected so much of me when he was willing to give so little. He was really getting the best of both worlds - he essentially still had a girlfriend, but because we were broken up, he didn't have to meet my expectations. Well, last night I told him that he is no longer allowed to expect things from me because we are not together anymore, a decision which he made. He is no longer allowed to take for granted the fact that I was always there for him. He is no longer allowed to act as if I'm being selfish when I'm not there for him since we've broken up. He is no longer allowed to assume that I'm avoiding him if we don't talk for a couple of days, because he is no longer allowed to contact me. I ended it once and for all.
  
  A friend of mine worries that I will end up in an abusive relationship (not necessarily physically abusive but emotionally abusive) because of the fact that I have trouble ending things with guys who don't always treat me that well. I have trouble letting go and I want to assume the best in people - that they'll realize they are hurting me and fix it, that deep down they are a good person. I am very loyal and incredibly dependable and I've been taken advantage of in the past (even in friendships). I give 2nd, 3rd, sometimes even 4th or 5th chances. B has had too many chances and I need to accept that he is not going to stop taking me for granted and end it. He almost prevented me from ending it when he said that I was the best thing he had going for him in his life, but instead I responded "you obviously didn't really feel that way or you wouldn't have let me go."
  
  And so I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for no longer letting him take me for granted. I'm proud of myself for having the courage to end things, even though part of me didn't want to because I still care about him a great deal. I'm proud of myself for speaking my mind and speaking it clearly and calmly. I was very rational and I didn't say anything vindictive. I was honest, but not brutal. He actually told me that I was right and that everything I said was fair, which also makes me proud of him because usually he is on the defensive and coming up with excuses (which he was at the beginning of our conversation, but then he stopped). So, as much as it hurts and as hard as it is going to be for me not to text him when I think of something that reminds me of him, or that I know would make him laugh, I know it's for the best and I am proud of myself. I am taking a step in the right direction and finally learning from my mistakes.
  

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