I'm sure we've all been in an unhealthy relationship or two. You know - a relationship that's unequal in some way, where one person treats the other person not so well, or that kind of thing. But it's hard to break free because you don't want to be alone and you care about the person. My best friend is in one now. I've told her a million times she should break up with him, that she deserves better. But she loves him. She can't imagine being without him. It doesn't help that he's her first and only boyfriend thus far, so I think she lacks the confidence that she'll find someone else. She also lacks some confidence in herself.
Well apparently he's going to break up with her today (she accidentally found a "breakup mix" he was making and he wouldn't talk to her last night). I have to say, I'm relieved. I have never felt so protective over another person, but I was glad I didn't live in the same state because I am not sure I could've stopped myself from strangling this boy if I were near him. My best friend is one of the sweetest, kindest people in the world. She never does anything mean. Ever. I admire her a lot. So for her to have so little self-worth and to wrap so much of her self-worth up in this unhealthy relationship in which she's being treated poorly, well, it breaks my heart.
On the other hand, I do wish that she had gotten the courage to break up with him. I have been in her position numerous times and only recently have I had enough courage to end things. I am just worried that if she doesn't get herself out of this unhealthy relationship, she may just end up in another one shortly hereafter and she may not be able to gather the courage then either. Plus if he breaks up with her, she'll be crushed and her self-esteem will fall even more. I want her to realize how amazing she is and to break the cycle.
But it's hard. It's really hard. Like I said, I've only recently gained the courage. And I have been dating for a lot longer than she has. Any advice for how to help her through this rough time? Any advice for how to help her have courage?
Comments (7)
IAww... I'm sorry to hear he's breaking up with her today, and it sux that she found a breakup mix cd.
It's hard when it's your first boyfriend...
I think u should try and help her see that she is worth so much more than than she thinks she is, and that there are a lot of great guys out there who would love to be in a relationship with her. It's important to break the unhealthy cycyle now and she needs to see that it's an unhealthy relationship.
How long has/had she been with him?
Oh boy. This is one of those rough ones.
I'm sure there are tons of literature out there on this.
It comes down to your friend having enough self-confidence and self awareness to break it. The other thing is the ability to have those level headed friends to talk with -- bounce ideas and honestly speak (without criticism) about themselves.
My first unhealthy relationship spring-boarded me into my second one. It wasn't until after that where I had the help of my friends and enough 'alone' time to understand what was bad about it and why it could not go on. Although I still think about it now and again. I still, since I am single and have been for a while, wonder if it wouldn't be better to be in that type of relationship instead of this void of connection. But I remember all the talks and self-realization.
It might 'feel' nice to be in it again but it would not be good for me.
Your friend may need that help or she may have to come to realize it herself.
There are two things you can do in a situation like this:
1. Convince her that she needs to be her own person before she can love anyone else. Do this any way you can - even if your tactics are a bit underhanded.
2. When she's ready, set her up with guys who aren't going to treat her poorly. It's kind of hard to find guys like this - so if I was you, I'd start expanding my base of nice, eligible guy friends who might be compatible with your friend. Though, be careful they don't fall for you instead!
u need her to see all the bad things he has done to her. When she gets angry it's alot easier to get over the person and see that he or she wasn't worth it when they treated you like shit. This is how I am getting over my unhealthy relationship.
You really can't make your friend have high self-esteem. Self-confidence and self-worth are things she will have to discover on her own. However, you can be the voice of reason, be supportive, and encourage her to realize that she can do better and deserves it! That was one of the things a good, true friend of mine said to me a couple of years ago when I was dating someone I shouldn't have been. I didn't think that I could do any better than him--and I was wrong. And she had the guts to tell me so. She is awesome.
it's a tough thing.. first love. i can feel her on this one. i'm actually.. prolly in an unhealthy relationship myself...
but we both love each other??
so i'm just as confused as she is. mine... i know realistically won't work but i don't want to admit it as defeat and give up just yet. XD
best of luck to her though... she just needs to believe in herself and have hope in the future.
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