Wednesday, 20 August 2008

• The Email That I Wanted To Send

  This is the email that I wish I could send to my soulmate (not the one I actually sent). You don't have to read it if you don't want to. It's long and I'm recounting some stuff I've already explained to you guys. But I just had to get it out somewhere since I can't actually send it to him.
  
  Dear Soulmate,
  
  I hope you are nice and settled into South Korea (sorry about my butchered english spelling of "hello" in Korean - did you ever watch the show Arrested Development? Good show... Ahnyong!) and that everything went a little more smoothly than it had been going those last few days in New York. I apologize if I added to your stress in those last days, texting and calling you a bunch and whatnot. I just really wanted to see you, which I hope is forgivable and that you can take it as a compliment
  
  I have to admit, I'm not really sure what to say in this email. Part of me thinks I should just stick to small talk and "let's keep in touch," but the other part of me is aching to say something else that I'm not sure if I should say. See, I know that we didn't know each other for all that long before you left, but I am going to admit, I fell for you pretty hard. You are that guy I've been looking for for a long time now - the kind of guy I was starting to think didn't exist. You're a nice guy, but that's not all there is to you. You're also attractive, fun and interesting. You're a gentleman. I was starting to think that combination in a guy was only found in myths and fairytales. If I were to sum you up in one word (not that it's possible) it would be "delightful," and well, I've always wanted to be with someone delightful. I've only ever met two other people that I would describe this way and one is a gay man and the other a straight woman.
  
  So, you see, I am a bit terrified. I'm terrified that I just met the man of my dreams, only to have him dangled in front of me and then ripped away - what a tease fate can be! - and that I will never meet anyone who even compares to you again. I know you had to go. But I can't stand the thought of us not having a second chance to give something romantic a try. I can't stand the thought that this ideal guy is out there who was actually interested in me but we don't get to see where it goes. I am the type of person that knows what I want and goes for it, so here I am, going for it. I want you and I can't just give up without knowing that I tried and that I laid all my cards out on the table.
  
  So here are my cards being laid out for you to see... I think I have fallen in love with you. It's crazy, I know. And I hope you're not totally freaked out by that statement. I know I am freaked out by that statement, so I can only imagine how you must feel. I've always been the levelheaded one - the one telling my friends that they don't actually love someone they just met and that it's just infatuation. But I've never felt so sure about my feelings for someone in my life.
  
  On the day that you left the US, when you sent your mass goodbye text message, I was in the Verizon store getting my replacement phone activated and it was an odd sequence of events. I handed my phone to the man and he poked around at it for a while, then he handed it back to me and told me I had a text message. When I saw it was from you, my heart lurched and my face turned all red. I thought "what luck!" because if he hadn't noticed and had replaced the phone, the message would've been lost forever. When I opened it, and read it, I almost started crying right there in the Verizon store. I'm sure the man thought I was crazy because I became incredibly flustered. But see, your mass text message came to me in two parts and the second part came first. So when I opened that text message, this is what it said:
  
  "to my heart, and can't thank you enough for the love that you have shared with me. I love you, and I always will - no goodbyes, I'll see you soon."
  
  I was so happy, I nearly started hyperventilating. I didn't realize that it was the second part of a mass text message until I got the first part and thought about it for a minute. So, before that happened, I texted a reply: "I love you too. See you soon." As soon as I realized that it was a mass text message, I was mortified. Part of me hoped you didn't receive the message. But mostly I was incredibly disappointed because I was so happy when I thought you were confessing your love to me. I went from elated to crushed in about 2 seconds flat. When I got my phone back, I actually called Jack to see if he had gotten the same text message. Sure enough, he had. He laughed and said that you had probably sent it to a bunch of people, as if he was reassuring me that no, you are not in love with me. I felt like a complete idiot, and I was totally dismayed. But the incident confirmed my feelings that I was afraid to admit fully to myself - that I am in love with you.
  
  The ridiculous thing about this email is that I am writing this to you knowing that it can't bring you back here. But I have to write it in hopes that maybe it will at least keep me in your mind for when you do come back. And maybe, if you feel the same, it would also inspire you to find a way to get back sooner. I myself have been racking my brain for ways to get you back here.
  
  Not to get even crazier, but if you asked me to wait for you, I would. I mean, I think that as much as I might try to move on on the outside, deep down I will be waiting for you whether you ask me to or not. But I don't think you would. And I know I can't ask you to wait for me.
  
  I realize, because I know that it's crazy, that you may not feel the same way. And that's ok. I just had to tell you how I feel because that's the type of person I am - I can't keep things bottled up and I needed to know that I tried. But I do sincerely hope that if you come back, we could try to pick up where we left off. I don't want you to forget about me. And if you don't feel the same way and you don't want to pick up where we left off when you get back, please just tell me. Don't avoid me or something like that. I need us to be friends if we can't be together. I couldn't stand the thought of you not being a part of my life in some form. And I'm a big girl. I can take rejection. You don't need to shelter me.
  
  So there it is, my heart poured out in an email (yuk!). Do with it what you will, but please don't do nothing at all. I need a response and at the very least I need us to be friends. So please keep in touch and I hope to hear from you soon.
  
  Love always,
  HopelessRomantic
  

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