I am in a situation right now where a friend of mine would like to be a friend with benefits. We drunkenly made out once and I intended it to be a one-time thing but he seems to want it to keep happening (but without "expectations"). I don't have any feelings for him, and since I'm not attached right now I'm kind of tempted to take him up on it. Just make out occasionally? The main thing I miss about not being in a relationship is kissing...
However, I've done friends with benefits before. Or well, kind of. I have been in a couple of situations where the guy "didn't want a relationship" and even though I had feelings for the guys I was all "oh that's fine. We can just be friends with benefits." But really, deep down, I was just hoping that if we kept hooking up, they would change their minds and realize they wanted a relationship with me.
I was always wrong and I got hurt many times. Except for once, when I hurt the other person.
That time, I met this guy who said he "doesn't do relationships" or "attachment" as he called it. So, since this happened after a string of "maybe he'll change his mind" incidents where I got my heart broken, I decided to take him at his word and I built a little wall between us and said "I'm not going to get attached. I'm not going to do this again." And actually I don't think you could even call us friends with benefits. We never hooked up. We kissed once or twice I think. But we hung out a lot and then one day he was like "Actually, I want to be in a relationship with you." I was so thrown off that I had no idea what to say. I liked him, I did. But I never expected to hear those words and so I didn't want a relationship with him. I had built that wall. It pretty much ruined the friendship.
So my current potential friend with benefits is a really laid back guy. And he says he won't get attached. And I am pretty damn sure that I won't either (it's not like those other times because, like I said, I have no feelings for this guy. Just a bit of physical chemistry). But I just don't feel like I can take the risk that his feelings won't change, as they did with my other friend. Particularly because he says things like "I really like you" a little too often for my comfort. Even though they're often followed by "but no expectations - you can do whatever you want." I'd really just rather not screw up my friendship with him (or our mutual friends) just for a couple of makeout sessions. So that’s what I told him and I'm sticking to my decision for now.
Thoughts? Do you really think it's possible to be friends with benefits and not screw up the friendship in the long run?
Comments (9)
I have never known it to be a good idea. I've known people who have had good things come of it, or at least that's the tale they tell. It's never really seems to end well.
I've never been purely physically attracted to someone, so I guess I can't really relate. My emotions always play up. Personally I wouldn't do it. The risk is too big for my liking.
Those things are always tricky. It is more times than not one or other that will not stick with 'the plan'. At least that is my understanding from hearing from folks that have or still do it.
Eh, it sounds sketchy to me. But then, I have the same problem as Eucalyptus anonymous.
hey I was just passing through your blog when I started reading your story about the romance with the 'Mennonite' guy. I'm really really curious to read the rest of the story. I used to be mennonite - but not like the amish... i married a mennonite that had been that religious... and now we want nothing to do with Mennonites ever! The story is SO similar to how most of the Mennonite guys are that I know...
as for your question in this post, i don't know! i agree, it's tricky!
I did the whole "friends with benefits" thing for more than two years with the same guy. We're still friends, but now I have a boyfriend, so that pretty much stopped. It worked out really well for us. Of course...we weren't really GREAT friends. We lived 30 minutes away from one another so we didn't see each other very often, but both of us really liked the arrangement. We both knew that nothing was going to come of it, and never had any hopes that anything would, so it was easy. It can happen, but it probably is rare. I tend to think more like a guy anyway in that department simply because I enjoy not being attached to one person. But...everyone is different.
it's possible, but i'm advising you against it. once you start hooking up, hormones start taking over and you get attached. either he will or you will, no matter how you feel right now. and eventually . . . in the words of russell peter, "somebody gonna get a-hurt, real bad."
Amen, I've been in this situation & im sort of going thru it again, the first time, it was with a boy i was completely in love with, seriously. two years of hooking up & all that junk & now its with a guy i really trust and know well, but idk what to do either, ahh the drama. I wish you the best of luck though.