When I saw the Sex & the City movie, it actually made me really mad because it starts out by saying how countless girls come to the city to fall in love and then Carrie's assistant says that's why she came to the city.
NO ONE COMES TO NEW YORK CITY TO FALL IN LOVE. No. One. People come to New York City to advance their careers, to experience the hustle and bustle of the big apple, to party, to escape, to disappear, to be a star, etc. No one comes here to fall in love. And that's kind of a problem. It's a problem in friendships too because everyone who comes here comes here for self-involved reasons. People aren't here to form relationships and bonds (unless they're connections they can use to advance their careers). People don't say "gee, I really want to move to New York City and settle down and have a family." No. People say "I really want to move to New York City for a while,
until I want to settle down and have a family."
A friend of mine is the kind of girl that looks for a potential husband in any guy she dates. I told her she has to start dating older guys (she's 22) because no one her age is going to be looking at her as her future wife - unless maybe she's willing to convert to Mormonism or Catholicism. Apparently, this is not very good advice. As many of you know, I have been seeing a guy who is 35. Now, I'm not looking to get married but I do tend to prefer monogamy and I just want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone that is not uber serious. So this guy and I have been seeing each other for a while now - we met in August - but haven't established anything official (though he did jokingly call me his klepto girlfriend). Lately, though, it seemed as if he wasn't as interested. So last night I asked him straight up "are you interested in me romantically or not?" and apparently he thought I was asking him to marry me or something because he got really flustered and weird about it. He started babbling about how it was complicated and how this was a longer conversation for a later date and not for 1:30am on a work night and how he wasn't there yet but he thought he could be in the future and he wanted to be. I honestly have no idea what he was saying or what he thought my question meant. I simply wanted to know if he was romantically interested in me or if we were just friends so I didn't feel like an idiot flirting with him and making him uncomfortable. I wasn't even broaching the "what are we?" question yet. Though honestly we've been hanging out for a while now and if he's not ready to see me exclusively very soon I don't think he ever will be. And it's not something you can force, you know, wanting to be with a person. He made it sound like he wanted to want to be with me but that he didn't actually want to be with me yet. I don't know. It was confusing. And then when I tried re-asking the question to get a simple yes or no answer he said "a qualified yes." What does that mean?! I have never heard qualified used in that context. Finally I just gave up and was like "we can talk about this another time" and left.
Today I emailed him a clarification email that basically said I think we were having two different conversations and I re-explained what I meant. He emailed me back and said "Hey, that's a serious clarification - wish I'd read that before instead of after we talked:). The answer was yes. Qualified because I've also found you a bit tough to read from date one on and have not been sure about flirtatious behavior etc - that's not a bad thing nec but has left us a bit confused, clearly. Totally fair question last night - I just felt like brain wasn't working that well and maybe I heard a different question than the one you asked."
WHAT THE HECK DOES QUALIFIED MEAN? Ok, sorry, this is turning into an angry rant more than an actual logical entry (but in my defense I did just get home from working 12 hours under fairly stressful conditions involving screaming adolescent girls and heavy equipment). The point is, clearly, even at 35, guys here in New York are not ready for relationships because they can't seem to realize that having a relationship doesn't have to mean settling down and that just because a girl wants monogamy does not mean she wants to get married! I also met a 37 year old doctor recently who is apparently interested in me but also doesn't want "anything serious." I'm so sick of hearing that. Exclusive doesn't have to mean serious! UGH! Ok, rant over.
Comments (6)
I think you should make a dating video reciting this exact blog and see what kind of responses you get.
@wherethefishlives@xanga - lol!! You're so right. That would be great!
Hmm yeah most guys think that way. I can't explain why cuz I've never been in that situation. and who's this friend of yours looking to get serious all the time? I don't think I've met too many girls who actually want to get serious, so I think that's unique in that sense.
I guess for out of towners NYC is for a career, but I've lived here my whole life and I would never want to raise my kids elsewhere. I've lived outside of the city, and I'd go crazy if i had to spend my whole life living somewhere else.
Awww... What I get from that is that he is comfortable with where it's at. Maybe he has been thinking about making it more serious - maybe he has been confused about whether or not YOU want to make it more serious. Maybe he's so comfortable and happy with you he just doesn't want to define the relationship (and is afraid that if he pushes it, he will ruin it?).
From what you've mentioned firstly about people moving to New York for anything but love, it seems like the majority of guys there want to have "fun" and not be "tied down".
Thus, as soon as a girl starts making sounds and moves towards exclusivity, they scatter faster then lead shot of a shotgun.
It's sad, and highlights the lack of maturity most guys seem to have these days.
I think "qualified" means that he still feels there's something to explore, but he doesnt want to lose any other "options" that might be out there. Basically: he's scared. Probably has a "reputation" to protect, but you know him better than us. Though at 35, you would think that he would know what he wants by now...
Maybe just ask if he wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and add that if either of you wants to see other people then you guys can just break up amicably and still be friends.