This past weekend I went on a little trip with a group of friends and, while on said trip, a friend of mine asked me out. It came kind of out of nowhere. We haven’t known each other that long and we’re not that close but his roommate is a really good friend of mine ended up hanging out with him a fair amount. There was really no indication that he was interested in me until he started flirting with me the night before he asked me out (and I really didn’t think anything of it when he was flirting with me because he seemed kind of like a flirty guy in general).
I’m not really interested in this guy. He’s nice, but I dunno. The attraction just isn’t there. Plus I have enough drama with the other guys in my life right now. And there is too much drama potential in this circle of friends to try dating him just to see if he’ll “grow on me” so to speak. They’re a gossipy bunch and there are fledgling friendships I don’t want to jeopardize.
But when he asked me out, I was so thrown off, I said yes. Well, not just because I was thrown off but also because I have always had trouble saying no to people about all sorts of things, but particularly when being asked out by people I am friends with (or want to be friends with). Plus I haven’t been asked out like that in a long time – you know, asked if I would “date him” straight up as opposed to him just asking me out for coffee or something that I could pretend I didn’t realize was a date. Not since high school I don’t think. It always started out as casual un-announced dating until we had the “what are we?” talk.
The thing is, I almost said no. I was so close to successfully (but kindly) rejecting him. I managed to muster a “well I’m kind of seeing someone right now” (which I am, despite that situation being… complicated and wishy washy) but then I saw the disappointment in his eyes and I hate hurting people’s feelings so this is what came out of my mouth: “but it’s not exclusive or anything so I guess if you don’t care that I’m seeing other people…” and he was like “yeah, that’s fine” (in fact, knowing New York guys and their inherent fear of relationships, he was probably like “jackpot!” in his mind). My mouth just said it. It was like I had no control over it. It just came out. The moment I said the second part, I regretted it. Why couldn’t I have just stuck to the first part and said I was seeing someone? I think he would’ve understood and gotten over it. But no. My guilt overwrote my logic and just spit these words out of my mouth. Plus I think my midwestern fear of awkward situations and confrontation was worried about spending the rest of the weekend in a small, crowded house with him after I’d rejected him.
The funny thing is that we were reading trashy magazines a few hours later (Cosmo’s 75 “slightly kinky” sex tips are basically like reading porn by the way) and there was an article that was like “learn how to say no!” I got a kick out of that one…
The article didn’t talk about it in a dating context though, more like in a work context (not taking on too much work just to be nice and that kind of thing). Plus I don't generally trust magazines like Cosmo. So, I’m writing here for advice: how do you say no to someone who asks you out that you still want to be friends with? And what do I do now? Can I reject him after I already said yes? Or do I try going on a date or two and hoping he’ll either lose interest or I’ll gain it?
Comments (3)
I hate reading Cosmo. I'm convinced that they recycle the information that they feature. If I knew how to answer your problem....I could help both of us out.
This is a tricky situation, but you have laid the groundwork for a future let-down by saying that you are seeing someone else, but it's not exclusive yet. So, you'll be able to say that this guy is really nice, sweet, etc. but that you think it would be best if you stayed friends for now as you've decided to go exclusive with another guy that you're dating. With the groundwork already in place, it's not going to come as a huge shock, and you shouldnt lose the friendship over it...
Does that make sense?
girl, i have no clue. that is a pickle. i dont think it's really possible to reject someone and still be friends with them, but maybe i'm overly pessimistic. i know you will try to be careful with his feelings, but try to be careful with yours too.
for what it's worth, i think that ripping the bandaid off is better than a slow peel.