Today the guy I've been seeing for a while now and I finally had "the talk" - a talk
which should've happened three weeks ago but we've both been out of town. We've decided (I think) to just be friends. And I'm fine with that. But I'm kind of a little bit annoyed at the way stuff went down.
See, when we first started seeing each other,
I couldn't tell if he was that into me because he didn't make a move for the first... I dunno... 5 dates. It seemed like he liked me and we would stay out until 4 or 5am together, talking and laughing and flirting, but he didn't make a move. I thought he just was hesitant because of the 13-year age difference between us. It didn't help that he kept going out of town and it's hard to build momentum in a relationship and get to know a person when they keep leaving for weeks at a time. Finally, we kinda got together and things were great... until he left town again. And when he came back, it was like nothing had ever happened between us and we were just friends.
So today, we had "the talk." While I agree with parts of what he said, I have to say I was mildly offended. He basically said we have no chemistry, at one point practically called me "cold," and tried to insinuate that this was my fault. I said that as a girl I was not going to make the first move and he said that he didn't feel like he could because he wasn't getting those vibes from me. Now, maybe I was a little hesitant because I was a little intimidated by the age difference and so that was part of the problem but mostly I think it was because I wasn't sure what signals I was getting from him and I'm very much a responsive person in the sense that I if I'm not sure if a guy is interested in me, I'm going to be a lot more reserved flirting with him and things like that. Honestly, I wish society were cool with women taking the lead, but I've never ever successfully gotten a guy by taking the lead, and so I tend to try to feel them out and respond accordingly. I wouldn't want to intimidate their manhood after all... And he even went so far as to say that our text messages were cold! But I texted him a lot about miscellaneous little things just to hint that I was thinking of him and I only stopped because he didn't really respond. So I am kind of mad that he is basically trying to pin this on me. But at the same time, it's not something worth arguing over (as natural as it is to want to defend myself and "clear my name"). And he was right - I don't think the chemistry is really there. I didn't feel that same exhilaration when he touched me that I've felt with other people I've dated. And I do like hanging out with him, we get along really well. So I decided to go against my instincts, be the bigger person and not jeopardize our friendship by pointing a finger back at him. But I had to vent somewhere, so thus I am writing here.
I must say, I do find it interesting that even two people who get along really well and can talk for hours, and who are attracted to each other, can not have chemistry. Chemistry really is important and sometimes it's just not there and you can't really force it.
On a side-note: when I was browsing through my old blogs to put links in this entry, I clicked on a date and the first post that came up was
this post about age differences in which I said 13 years was pushing it, which I find really funny because it was only maybe two weeks later that I started seeing this guy.
Comments (2)
Hm. Sorry it didn't work out like you wanted. But I think it's definitely for the best this way.
Personally, I've had pretty good luck making the first move with guys. Of course, my tendency to make the first moves leaves me with guys who would prefer that I be dominant. As much as I like being a strong, dominant person in everyday situations, I would really love to feel "swept off my feet" in a sense, in a romantic setting. And there's never been a man who really *gets* that, because they figure the way I am in public situations, is the way I would be in a one-on-one. And yes, I do like to get my way. Yes, I like to argue. But I want someone who will argue back, who knows when to let me win, and when to crush me. And that doesn't happen often when you always take the lead on stuff.
But trust me, guys love it when you take the lead in relationships. They feel a ton of pressure all the time, because they have no idea what you are thinking, and yet they are expected to read your mind and find out exactly when you would like them to advance, and exactly how far. Sometimes, it can be a little intimidating, but if you go about it the right way (either shyly or casually), he shouldn't have a problem.
I'm not the one to take the lead in a relationship either. I'd like to feel it out & I totally agree about being cautious that we don't overstep the boundaries & make them feel less masculine. Then when you are aggressive & let's say you are lucky enough to have the chemistry there & things to work out, the situation ends up a bit like what la_faerie_joyeuse described. What a dilemma~ Which do you stick with then? Being the passive one or the more aggressive one? -___-"
I'm sorry it didn't work out though.. That's frustrating.