This is inspired by a comment to
this entry about blaming the cheater, not the the other person. The comment said this:
What baffles me are the people who don't see it coming. Like they had no clue that would ever happen. If they are cheating on you, it's because you aren't giving them everything they need, in some way, shape or form.
Are you kidding me? I already wrote an incredibly long response comment to this person, but I now feel the need to tell my story.
I cheated on my (now ex-)boyfriend. I cheated on him more than once. It was an incredibly complicated, unhealthy, long-distance relationship, but that is no excuse. Was I getting everything I needed from him? No. I did try to talk to him, which is more than a lot of cheaters can probably say. I talked to to him so many times. I tried to get what I needed from him, but he never gave it to me. But that doesn't make my cheating his fault. I cheated because I was weak. I cheated because I was angry. I cheated when I should've just ended the relationship. But I didn't have the strength to end the relationship, so I drowned my sorrows in the lips of other men.
Cheating is never ever the fault of the person who was cheated on. If you aren't getting what you need in a relationship, you TALK to that person about it. You don't just go get it somewhere else. Grow up! And if you're still not getting what you need from them after you've tried talking to them and working it out, you end it. Because they are never going to give you what you need, so you need to move on and find someone else who will give you what you need. If you're in a relationship where you're not getting what you need, that is unhealthy for you and you should end it for yourself, not just to prevent yourself from cheating on the other person.
And honestly, it's not usually that cheaters aren't getting what they need from a relationship. It's that cheaters are weak. Most of them simply lack self-control. Although I blame society too. I know I talk a lot about this, but it disgusts me how little people are willing to work to maintain their relationships any more because society and disney movies teach us that if you find the one, living happily ever after is a breeze. And post-modernism teaches us that "you have to accept me for me." But relationships take compromise and work, especially as lives lengthen and marriage becomes a 50-75 year commitment. You don't just live happily ever after magically. If you want your relationship to last, you have to work for it and sometimes that means compromising. Yes, there's always divorce but that's the easy way out. And I don't understand why people aren't willing to work for their relationships because, personally, when I invest years of my life into a relationship, I get really upset that it just falls apart. It's like it was all for nothing. Maybe that's why I was so hesitant to end my unhealthy relationship.
Nowadays we're a society that's all about "me me me." "Am I being satisfied?" etc. But relationships are about "us," not about "me." Relationships are about "are we being satisfied?" and, "if not, what can we do about it to make it so that are both satisfied with this relationship?" And sometimes, making sure both parties are satisfied takes a lot of work. I worked for that relationship. I worked hard. But he didn't. And that was the thing that was missing from our relationship that I needed. But that's still no excuse for me cheating. And by cheating, I brought myself down to his level and made it about "me."
I would also like to add, though, that I don't think the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. I have dated many guys and I have only cheated on one. It was definitely a moment of weakness and something I plan on never repeating. Some people do learn from their mistakes, and I feel I have learned a great deal from that relationships (not just the cheating but the unhealthy part). I think I am a much stronger person now. Of course, it is hard to trust someone who has cheated and broken your trust like that. I'm not sure I could forgive or trust someone who cheated on me. Luckily I have never had to face that decision thus far *knocks on wood*. But people do change, and so once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater. I should know. I am a reformed cheater, after all.
Comments (2)
I personally wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone who had cheated on an SO in the past.
I completly agree with you on what you said about marriage, and longevity. People give up on their marriage at the first sign of troubles. I'm not married, so I can't understand how hard that is. But I"m a firm believer that you have to give it everything you are. Don't pledge til' death do you part, if you aren't going to work your butt off to do exactly that.
Major props!!!!!!!!!!!!!!