So, my ex (the army guy) and I are back in a phase of basically being together even though we're not together. What I mean by this is that we talk somewhat regularly, text a lot, tell each other we miss each other (it was a long distance relationship because he lives a few states away) and - as of last night - hook up. I know it's bad. But honestly, the holidays were killing me. I just wanted to be held the way that he used to hold me, and since I couldn't seem to find that feeling with someone else, I went to the source.
I know I shouldn't go down this path again. I thought I could do it without getting attached because of our circumstances, but I'm already I'm feeling kind of attached. He came up to NY to celebrate New Year's Eve. Of course we hooked up. We both knew it was going to happen when we made arrangements for him to come up here. I never wanted to be able to say that I've cried during sex (though I don't think he realized it...). I guess I didn't realize how emotional it would be for me. I thought that I could be focused enough on my physical needs that I wouldn't think about the emotional aspect. Apparently I was wrong.
Then this morning, he left his email signed in on my computer and so I accidentally saw that he was signed up on eHarmony.com and I have to admit I was really jealous. I know that's silly because I'm trying internet dating too. But he's supposed to be leaving in March for 6 months of training, so I just assumed he wouldn't be actively dating because he wouldn't want to start anything right before he left. Apparently his mother got him the subscription for Christmas ("something about grandchildren..." he said) and he says he doesn't actually intend to start anything before he leaves. But the fact that it looks like he was actively sending out messages makes me wonder. And, I know this is petty but I just can't stand the thought of him finding someone before I do. He did break my heart after all, so I deserve to find someone first!
I know I wouldn't care if it weren't for the fact that I am single right now. If I found somebody I would be perfectly ok with him moving on. But as things stand, with me all lonely and with us basically being in a relationship without the title, I think a small part of me is hoping that he'll realize what he lost with me and come back willing to try to fix all the things that were wrong with our relationship.
I really shouldn't be doing this... I'm just going to get hurt again. But I want to do it anyway. What's with that?
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