My apologies if this is long, too detailed and rambling. I'm just trying to work some stuff out for myself right now. If you've read previous blog entries, you may know that I am in the process of getting back together with my ex, the army guy. When he asked me to get back together, I told him not unless (and until) he moves to New York (he lives in Pennsylvania). I told him that we needed to work on the things that went wrong when we dated the first time: our communication, his commitment (or lack thereof), etc. And I told him that this work is going to take time - time which we don't really have right now because he is away at army training. We've been talking a fair amount and so we have been working on our communication and stuff, but I don't think that this is the way to start a relationship. I want to wait until he's back and we can see each other more often at the very least.
He broke my heart. Badly. Really really badly. I made all these huge commitments to him that I wasn't ready to make because he got stop lossed and was possibly going to be sent to Iraq, and even though I wasn't ready to make the level of commitment to wait for him, I loved him and so I did. It was important to me that we be together, even if that meant making some sacrifices. What I got in return was that he took me for granted, couldn't make the same commitments, made me last priority in his life and then broke up with me.
I do think he's matured a lot since we broke up. He is much more willing to commit. I'm no longer his last priority. He has made the promise to move to New York. He even told his parents that he is going to move to New York, which is a big step for him because his family was part of what was preventing him from moving in the first place.
The problem is, now I'm not sure I am ready to commit. I told him that I wouldn't get back together with him until he moved to New York because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again. I need to see real proof that he's going to follow through, and his words aren't enough because he's said these words to me before (that I'm the most important thing in his life and that he wants to move to New York) but then 2 months later he took it all back. I can't trust him the way that I used to. And I honestly still have a lot of anger bottled up inside from our first relationship, and we can't have a functional relationship until I find a way to get rid of this anger.
Last night, he issued an ultimatum: either stop seeing other people, or stop seeing him. Period. And I love him and I want to be with him. I'm not even really seeing anyone else right now. But I can't bring myself to make the commitment not to see anyone else. I am just not ready. I have to deal with my anger, and I think the only thing that's going to make that better is time.
I just feel like I need more time, but the sad thing is, I'm not even sure what that means. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him, but we basically are in a relationship already, so I'm not really sure what I'm not ready for. I'm not sure what I want or what I need. I just need more time. I can't deal with this ultimatum thing because I'm not ready to make that decision. I don't have the courage to put my heart in harm's way again. He's frustrated because he can't do anything right now. Right now all he has are his words and those aren't enough. I understand why he's frustrated, but there's nothing either of us can really do about it. I just need more time. More time to let the hurt and the anger heal. But how can I get him to give me more time? He said he can't stand the thought of me with someone else. That he can't be with me if there's even the possibility of me seeing someone else because all he'll do is wonder when I'm out, who I'm with and what I'm doing with them. And I understand where he's coming from, but I can't just make myself be ready. And honestly I don't need to see other people. But if I make the commitment not to, we're basically back in a relationship. And I'm not ready for that commitment right now. I don't know what I want or what I need. I just need time to figure that out, and I'm not sure he's willing to give me that.
Comments (1)
If he cares about you as much as he should, he'll give you the time and space that you need. If being with you is that important to him, he'll wait until you're ready. At least, that's how I look at it. Good luck.