In a comment on my last post about how girls actually like nice guys but they have to be confident,
musterion99 asked what my explanation was for girls who stay in abusive relationships. Well, this is a complex answer. There are many reasons and it varies from woman to woman.
The first and probably most common I would say is because they have low self-esteem. They don't necessarily think they can do better or that they even deserve better.
Another really common reason is that they love the guy (he probably wasn't abusive right away after all) and they believe that deep down inside he loves them too and he will realize he is hurting them and he will change. Some women just want to see the best in people. And speaking as someone who has been in a few unhealthy relationships (never abusive mind you), you want to believe that it will get better because you care about this person and you don't want to just give up on them. They were good to you once, why wouldn't they be good to you again? There are reasons you fell in love with them after all. In one way it's admirable that these women don't just give up on the relationship. Too many people just give up on relationships and don't realize that relationships take work and compromise. Of course, abuse is not the kind of thing you should be compromising on. But I do believe that people can really change if they want to, even if it's rare, and so I can see how it would be really hard for some women to give up on that hope that the person they love (and supposedly loves them) will turn themselves around.
On the other hand there are some women like a friend of mine who approach relationships as if they're their newest project. If she describes her ideal guy in her mind, she's describing a nice, liberal, intelligent guy. Yet she keeps dating macho, conservative, idiot jerks. And yes, I still maintain that most women like nice guys. See, the thing is, my friend goes for these guys thinking that she will change them. She wants a nice guy but she also wants someone she can "reform" (she is totally straight edge, your typical good midwestern Christian girl). She is looking for a guy that is willing to say "I will give up smoking, drinking and sex for you. And even though my natural inclination is to be a macho jerk, I will change for you and become prince charming." In her mind I think that was how she viewed love - someone completely changing just for you. Obviously she hasn't had a very successful dating life. Although I think her last relationship may have snapped her out of it a bit and the guy she recently started dating seems to actually be a decent guy.
Why girls stay in abusive relationships is an incredibly complex issue. But it definitely can't be boiled down to "girls like jerks" or "girls never go for nice guys." That's just silly and way too reductive. And I'll finish by saying that I got back together with my ex (officially) recently. Our first time around was a really unhealthy relationship, and so I was really hesitant to get back together with him. But he has demonstrated that he is trying really hard to change and thus far he has been downright amazing for the most part. And on the rare occasion he starts to relapse into the stubborn, selfish jerk that he was, I call him on it right away and he fixes it. People can change. And yes, I am worried that it's only temporary and I'm being stupid for getting back together with him. But I also learned a lot from our last relationship (and since then) and I think I now have the strength and confidence to dump his ass if he doesn't treat me as well as I deserve to be treated (and I do deserve to be treated well).
Comments (2)
Wow, I didn't expect you to do a whole post on this. Very good answer! Probably the best I've seen on this subject. Good luck with your boyfriend.
Wow... reading that gives me chills. I was in a relationship where it started off perfect. In fact at first i had no interest in him. But he was persistant and made me feel like i was the most amazing girl he'd ever met. He just always wanted to be around me and was constantly complimenting me. Slowly he got angry with little things. But i eventualley fell for him. he was perfect and unlike most guys ive dated he didnt tell me he loved me for months... which i really liked bc i felt like he meant it. we became inseperable and eventualley moved in together. he gave me all his attention and no one could pull him away from me for very long. he wouldnt have it. he always cared about what i wanted.... no matter what the time of day if wanted something hed be getting it. and i didnt really take advantage of it... if we were watching tv and i saw a commercial for something and i casually said "i want that" hed be trying to find it within a few minutes. we had so much in common and he was the most intelligent person i had ever met. i dont think ive ever respected someones opinions and views more than his. slowly his anger became more intense and he would get mad over little things and scream. pretty much ever since the beginning if we were fighting he would literally cry and beg for forgiveness and tell me he needed me. well the more i got to know him... he had alot of issues hes never dealt with. he was a rich boy who everyone thought had te perfect life... but hes human. and he suffered from bipolar disorder. i was the only thing that could make him feel better and it showed. hed come to me and just cry and it broke my heart but made me love him so much more for trusting me. well 1 night we got in a huge fight... he ended up slapping me across the face and picking me up by my throat and throwing me. im little... 5'1" and not even 100 lbs... hes 5'10" and over 200 lbs. after he threw me he went to a drawer and got out a gun. he started to walk towards the door and i tried to stop him. he turned and looked at me and held it to his head and he was emotionless. n i started bawling and begging him to stop and i went to grab him and he held the gun to my head and said u better stop that or ill kill u too. so i started to talk to him telling him how much i loved him and needed him and just things like that and he started to cry and and lose control and he fell to his knees. then he wrapped his arms around me and gave me the gun. it broke my heart bc when he was hitting me and this whole episode... he wasnt himself. like the person i was looking at wasnt him. well i decided that night that i had to get away. i told him i was moving out and when i was getting ready he got on his knees crying and hugging me and apologizing and begging for forgiveness. i just cried. so i moved back to my house and i avoided him as much as possible for a week. but the thing is i loved him. eventualley things were ok w us. we never had a physical fight again... but he would often refer to it when he got angry. we were together for 6 months after that. and to this day we continue to talk. he moved back to his home town so i tried to move on. and he wanted me to move with him but i wasnt ready. so i saw other people and broke his heart. he called me daily for months begging me to go be with him. i would go see him often... even when i was seeing someone else. for about the past 3 months he tells me he dsnt love me and hasnt for awhile and doesnt miss me. i was devastated... bc i miss him and i want him back. just last night he called me and we talked for hours and he broke down. he told me he tries to tell himself he doesnt love me but he does and he tries to be strong but he cant. and he said he tries to not talk to me but the past few days thats all hes wanted.and he cried and said he still needs me. i still stick up for him bc even though we only ever had 1 physical fight... mentally he ruined me. he brainwashed me. hed say no one would ever love me like he did an things like that.the months weve been apart hes changed and i can tell. so im not sure what to do now. but through everything i always said " he loves me and treated me so good..... he'll do that again soon" when you love someone like that your willing to deal with anything really and stick up for them in everyway.