hopelessromantic's Datingish

The truth about "The Ugly Truth"

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:54:58 GMT

A few weeks ago I went and saw The Ugly Truth and I have to say, I was extraordinarily disappointed, not that I even expected all that much to begin with. And even though I saw it a while ago, it's been bothering me so much that I had to write about it. It reinforced some really UGLY stereotypes.

It's no wonder people can't look beyond stereotypes in relationships and actually communicate with each other when movies like this are giving us relationship advice. Basically what I took away from this movie was that all women are neurotic control freaks and go for jerks so that they can change them; in order for someone to like you, don't be yourself - be what you think the other person wants you to be; all men think about is sex (they are not capable of thinking of anything more complex than when and how to get laid next) unless you show no interest in them, and then they will fall in love with you; playing games is the best way to start off a relationship... I could probably go on but I won't.

It makes me really sad when the media furthers these kinds of stereotypes and unhealthy relationship stereotypes. And people say that the reason stereotypes exist is because they're based on truth but in many cases I think stereotypes exist because the media creates and perpetuates them. It makes me really wonder - would men really think about sex so much if the media didn't tell them that they do? (and similarly, would women think about it more if the media didn't tell us that we don't?). It's interesting to me the things we think are natural behaviors that are really learned. Just some food for thought.

Why Girls Stay in Abusive Relationships

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:03:49 GMT

In a comment on my last post about how girls actually like nice guys but they have to be confident, musterion99 asked what my explanation was for girls who stay in abusive relationships. Well, this is a complex answer. There are many reasons and it varies from woman to woman.

The first and probably most common I would say is because they have low self-esteem. They don't necessarily think they can do better or that they even deserve better.

Another really common reason is that they love the guy (he probably wasn't abusive right away after all) and they believe that deep down inside he loves them too and he will realize he is hurting them and he will change. Some women just want to see the best in people. And speaking as someone who has been in a few unhealthy relationships (never abusive mind you), you want to believe that it will get better because you care about this person and you don't want to just give up on them. They were good to you once, why wouldn't they be good to you again? There are reasons you fell in love with them after all. In one way it's admirable that these women don't just give up on the relationship. Too many people just give up on relationships and don't realize that relationships take work and compromise. Of course, abuse is not the kind of thing you should be compromising on. But I do believe that people can really change if they want to, even if it's rare, and so I can see how it would be really hard for some women to give up on that hope that the person they love (and supposedly loves them) will turn themselves around.

On the other hand there are some women like a friend of mine who approach relationships as if they're their newest project. If she describes her ideal guy in her mind, she's describing a nice, liberal, intelligent guy. Yet she keeps dating macho, conservative, idiot jerks. And yes, I still maintain that most women like nice guys. See, the thing is, my friend goes for these guys thinking that she will change them. She wants a nice guy but she also wants someone she can "reform" (she is totally straight edge, your typical good midwestern Christian girl). She is looking for a guy that is willing to say "I will give up smoking, drinking and sex for you. And even though my natural inclination is to be a macho jerk, I will change for you and become prince charming." In her mind I think that was how she viewed love - someone completely changing just for you. Obviously she hasn't had a very successful dating life. Although I think her last relationship may have snapped her out of it a bit and the guy she recently started dating seems to actually be a decent guy.

Why girls stay in abusive relationships is an incredibly complex issue. But it definitely can't be boiled down to "girls like jerks" or "girls never go for nice guys." That's just silly and way too reductive. And I'll finish by saying that I got back together with my ex (officially) recently. Our first time around was a really unhealthy relationship, and so I was really hesitant to get back together with him. But he has demonstrated that he is trying really hard to change and thus far he has been downright amazing for the most part. And on the rare occasion he starts to relapse into the stubborn, selfish jerk that he was, I call him on it right away and he fixes it. People can change. And yes, I am worried that it's only temporary and I'm being stupid for getting back together with him. But I also learned a lot from our last relationship (and since then) and I think I now have the strength and confidence to dump his ass if he doesn't treat me as well as I deserve to be treated (and I do deserve to be treated well).

Women Haters who wonder why they don't get women

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:20:21 GMT

It's been a while since I've written... Guess I've been busy! That and I just haven't been sure what to write because my love life is overly complicated right now. But so the reason I am writing today is because it's not about me, so it's easier to know what to write.

I have this friend. All in all he's a good guy. He took me to the hospital once and stayed there with and then made sure I got home safe and sound afterward. We've been through a lot together. But he can be the most negative, self-pitying, whiny sonofabitch I think I've ever met. He's a relationship kind of guy who has been single for about a year and a half now, after a very serious relationship that went very seriously wrong (she cheated and did all sorts of other not so nice things). And whenever he's single, he becomes somewhat intolerable because all he does is bitch about how women suck and how poor him all women are liars who say they like nice guys but don't actually like nice guys and it's bullshit and why doesn't he have a girlfriend when he hasn't done anything wrong, yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, there are times I want to slap him around a little and tell him to snap out of it. First off, you are doing things wrong. I know I write about this alot, but I'm just so sick of hearing guys complain that girls don't like nice guys because it's absolutely not true. Girls like nice guys. What we don't like is insecure guys who feel sorry for themselves and bash women. If you think that all women are lying, coniving bitches, then of course you're not going to get one. Why would you even want one? But apparently you still do since you're whining about it. Secondly, confidence is sexy. And no, that's not bullshit. I don't want to date a guy who is constantly making me validate his self-esteem or is really clingy because he's afraid that if he let's you out of his sight, you'll find someone better. I want to date a guy who is independent, positive, not down on himself, etc. I can't deal with insecure guys, and for some reason a lot of nice guys are insecure (it might have to do with the fact that assholes are assholes partially because they are overly confident). And I realize this sounds cheesy, but if you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you? You need to be ok with who you are and not care what other people think of you. As endearing as it can be to date someone who's constantly looking for your approval, it gets old after about 5 minutes. Although, paradoxically, nice guys have seem to have high self-esteem in some regards by the simple virtue that they refer to themselves as "nice guys" and "good people." So I'm not really sure why they're so insecure if they think so highly of themselves.

Third, self-pity in particular is extremely unattractive. My friend seems to think he's the only one who's had his heart broken and that he's the only one with baggage. I want to shake him and yell "everyone has baggage! GET OVER IT! IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL!" Everyone has gone through heart break and heartbreak is all relative so while your situation may sound worse on paper, that doesn't mean it was actually more difficult for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You will meet someone special eventually. You will not be alone forever. But it's going to be a lot longer if you keep ranting about how much you hate women and hate your life.

Also, talking to women helps. My friend bitches that he hasn't met anyone in the last year and a half but he doesn't really make an effort to meet new women and he's not interested in dating any of the girls he's already friends with. So many nice guys don't take the steps they need to actually pursue women. They seem to think that just because they are nice, women should automatically fall madly in love with them, even when the woman has received no signal that the guy is even remotely interested. Guess what guys, we need signals. We need you to show interest. Otherwise we are not going to waste our time and we are going to move on to someone who is showing interest in us.

So apparently I've become a player...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:48:58 GMT

Before I started dating the smotherer (who I am obviously no longer seeing), I was told that he was a huge player and I shouldn't get involved with him. Turns out, I've dated/kissed more people than he has. A lot more. I'm not really sure how he got a rep as a player, but it got me thinking about myself.

The smotherer and I didn't work out because he wanted to spend all this time with me and constantly be near me, but I just didn't want a relationship and even though he wasn't calling it a relationship, what he wanted was a relationship. And in the midst of this I was dating this guy I met online briefly, though that didn't last long.

Through this all, my ex wants me back, but I can't commit to him because I'm too scared of getting my heart broken. So I told him that I'm going to continue seeing other people until he moves to New York.

And now I met this new guy who I kinda like. He's not like the smotherer, but he's a nice guy and I suspect he's more of a relationship kinda guy. And what with my ex boyfriend in the picture and my disinclination to be in a relationship, I can't foresee this ending well. And in fact, it's probably a really bad idea for me to be pursuing this at all because chances are it will end in flames...

But I'm having entirely too much fun to not pursue it. And to be honest with myself, that's probably part of the reason I can't commit to my ex (besides having had my heart broken) - I just don't want to. I don't really want a relationship period right now, and especially not a long distance one that has all the baggage and obligations of a relationship but none of the fun part (like kissing, cuddling, going on dates, etc).

So apparently in the last few months I've become a player. Not sure how it happened, but it's kind of a nice change of pace from getting played...

I Just Need More Time

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 01:44:53 GMT

My apologies if this is long, too detailed and rambling. I'm just trying to work some stuff out for myself right now. If you've read previous blog entries, you may know that I am in the process of getting back together with my ex, the army guy. When he asked me to get back together, I told him not unless (and until) he moves to New York (he lives in Pennsylvania). I told him that we needed to work on the things that went wrong when we dated the first time: our communication, his commitment (or lack thereof), etc. And I told him that this work is going to take time - time which we don't really have right now because he is away at army training. We've been talking a fair amount and so we have been working on our communication and stuff, but I don't think that this is the way to start a relationship. I want to wait until he's back and we can see each other more often at the very least.

He broke my heart. Badly. Really really badly. I made all these huge commitments to him that I wasn't ready to make because he got stop lossed and was possibly going to be sent to Iraq, and even though I wasn't ready to make the level of commitment to wait for him, I loved him and so I did. It was important to me that we be together, even if that meant making some sacrifices. What I got in return was that he took me for granted, couldn't make the same commitments, made me last priority in his life and then broke up with me.

I do think he's matured a lot since we broke up. He is much more willing to commit. I'm no longer his last priority. He has made the promise to move to New York. He even told his parents that he is going to move to New York, which is a big step for him because his family was part of what was preventing him from moving in the first place.

The problem is, now I'm not sure I am ready to commit. I told him that I wouldn't get back together with him until he moved to New York because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again. I need to see real proof that he's going to follow through, and his words aren't enough because he's said these words to me before (that I'm the most important thing in his life and that he wants to move to New York) but then 2 months later he took it all back. I can't trust him the way that I used to. And I honestly still have a lot of anger bottled up inside from our first relationship, and we can't have a functional relationship until I find a way to get rid of this anger.

Last night, he issued an ultimatum: either stop seeing other people, or stop seeing him. Period. And I love him and I want to be with him. I'm not even really seeing anyone else right now. But I can't bring myself to make the commitment not to see anyone else. I am just not ready. I have to deal with my anger, and I think the only thing that's going to make that better is time.

I just feel like I need more time, but the sad thing is, I'm not even sure what that means. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him, but we basically are in a relationship already, so I'm not really sure what I'm not ready for. I'm not sure what I want or what I need. I just need more time. I can't deal with this ultimatum thing because I'm not ready to make that decision. I don't have the courage to put my heart in harm's way again. He's frustrated because he can't do anything right now. Right now all he has are his words and those aren't enough. I understand why he's frustrated, but there's nothing either of us can really do about it. I just need more time. More time to let the hurt and the anger heal. But how can I get him to give me more time? He said he can't stand the thought of me with someone else. That he can't be with me if there's even the possibility of me seeing someone else because all he'll do is wonder when I'm out, who I'm with and what I'm doing with them. And I understand where he's coming from, but I can't just make myself be ready. And honestly I don't need to see other people. But if I make the commitment not to, we're basically back in a relationship. And I'm not ready for that commitment right now. I don't know what I want or what I need. I just need time to figure that out, and I'm not sure he's willing to give me that.

Proof that girls DO like Nice Guys

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:25:06 GMT

So my ex, the army guy, and I are kind of back together (it's complicated what with him being away for training for six months and living in Pennsylvania. We won't be officially back together until he moves to New York).

The thing is, he's being super sweet right now. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me, etc. We had this conversation where I told him I much preferred this to the whole him being a jerk thing, and he was like "k, I wasn't sure. I was afraid if I am too nice to you, you'll lose interest because girls only like jerks." Honestly, I'm so much happier than I was before and I really do love the new way he is acting.

Girls like nice guys. I'm so sick of hearing that we don't. Yes, many girls date jerks. But that's just because most guys are jerks The problem is, most "nice guys" suck at the whole pursuit thing. They do things like let the girl call them with all their problems and they sit and listen while the girl talks about other guys. That's how they end up in the "friend zone" as people seem to be calling it these days. Once you're actually dating a girl, then you can be the guy she calls with all her problems. But before that, it's not a good idea. Not that I'm saying you should be a jerk, but before you're dating a girl, you have to make sure you don't let her think of you "like a brother" or "as her best friend." Some girls go for the whole dating your best friend thing, but most girls don't. If she's talking to you about other guys, you're done. Just forget about her because she will most likely never date you.

But once you start dating, you can stop keeping her at a distance, you can be there for her, you can be the nice guy you are and she'll just think she's so lucky to have found such a good guy.

Let's Talk About Sex

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:04:31 GMT

I find it interesting that the top two health topics for men on WebMD right now are: 1. Weight Loss Boosts Sex and 2. Frequent Masturbation. For women, the top two are: 1. Bad Marriages and 2. Why hair goes grey.

I think this very keenly shows the different expectations between what men are supposed to worry about and what women are supposed to worry about. 7 of the top 12 for men are about sex. For women, only one is (#6) and it's called "why skip sex" and it's about the most common reasons people give for avoiding sex with their partner.

It really bothers me that there's this common misconception that women don't or aren't supposed to enjoy sex, and that men need it all the time. And the worst part is that it's totally ok for men to talk about sex, to sleep with many people, to need sex. But if a woman needs sex, or talks about sex, or sleeps with many people, she's a slut. And I feel like many women who sleep with lots of men do it for validation of their self-esteem and not because they actually really are enjoying the sex.

Not that I ever really read Cosmo or any of that other trashy shit, but it seems to me all the articles I've seen about sex are "99 new ways to please your man" or something focused on his needs, his wants, what you can do to spice things up for him. Why are we taught from a young age that we aren't supposed to enjoy sex? Sex is never for us. It's to keep our men pleased. And hell, we're often to blame for marriages going bad or for men cheating on their wives: we weren't pleasing HIS sexual desires. We wouldn't give him what HE needed. And women are taught very early on that they hate sex. In movies, in TV shows, in films, it's always the women avoiding the sex, and them men complaining to their friends how their wife won't sleep with them anymore.

I'm going to share something very personal now. maybe it's an overshare, but it's ok because 99.99999% of you don't know who I am. I have never enjoyed sex. Or well, I enjoyed the foreplay and I enjoyed being physically close to the guy that I loved. But it didn't feel good, not the way it could. And I'm starting to realize it was all in my head. I was afraid to enjoy it. I was afraid for it to feel good. I thought that wasn't how it was supposed to be. Women are just supposed to please the men, right? We weren't supposed to get any enjoyment out of it. I wouldn't want to be considered a slut. Well, that stops here. I'm ending the cycle. I want to enjoy sex and take pride in enjoying sex.

Being Smothered

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 04:56:20 GMT

So I've gone on a few dates with this guy (we'll call him... the foreigner), and I like him. But he's getting way too intense way too fast. He wants to see me every freaking day and he keeps talking about how much he cares about me and likes me and how he thinks I'm "a keeper" and how he doesn't want to go a week without seeing me (I'm going out of town for a bit soon). I tried to tell him this today. That I was getting freaked out. But then he freaked out because he was all "that's just the way I am. I can't change who I am. I could be a jerk and withhold my feelings but that's not the person I am or want to be. And if you're getting freaked out then I'm going to have to start thinking about everything I say or do..." sheesh. He can be very sweet, and on the one hand it's a nice change from the typical stoic New York guy who acts like he could care less about whether you even existed. But on the other hand, I'm not really at a place in my life to get serious and even though he's not asking me to make any commitment (I was very clear with him that we're not exclusive), I still can't help but feel a little smothered by his actions (I don't want to see him all the time. I have a lot of other people I want to spend time with. And while I like cuddling and touching, we don't need to be touching at all times!), and also feel bad because I clearly don't like him as much as he likes me, so I'm starting to feel as if I'm leading him on, even though I've tried to be very upfront with him about where I am in my life now.

I feel like I should probably cut it off now, before it gets to be a really big problem. But I do like him, just not as much as he likes me... And I also feel like if I do cut it off now, right after we had this insanely intense conversation, it will end badly. And we're friends. And we have a lot of the same friends. I don't want to jeopardize my entire social circle. When he first asked me out, he assured me that wouldn't happen and that we would stay friends, even if it didn't work out between us. But with how defensive he was getting tonight, I'm not so sure.

Advice? What do you do when someone is smothering you? How do you tell them (gently) to back off? Or do you just flee in terror?

Getting Back Together

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 12:58:53 GMT

My ex-boyfriend, The Army Guy, recently asked me to get back together with him. As was fitting based on how our relationship was, this happened after we had a huge fight. As always, it's also really complicated because he's leaving for 6 months of army training in a few weeks. So I said no. But this is not the only reason I said no.

I am generally very opposed to people getting back together after they've broken up. Most of the time, when people get back together, they don't address the problems in their relationship that caused them to break up in the first place. They kind of just pretend those problems didn't exist and then end up having the same problems all over again. Sometimes I suppose it can work. Time passes and people change, so maybe there can be successful reunions. But most of the time people just aren't willing to put the work in to resolving the issues from their previous relationship.

I told my ex that we could talk about it when he got back (if I'm still single of course) for this very reason - we have a lot of work to do. A lot would need to change from the way our first relationship went, and that is going to require time and hard work. It won't happen if we get back together right before he leaves. We need more than a few weeks together to be back on solid enough ground that I can withstand 6 months waiting for him. And even though I'm willing to talk about it and maybe try when he gets back, I have to say I'm skeptical. But I do care about him a lot still and if we could work hard enough to change the things that went wrong before, I think we could have a really great relationship. So I think it's worth a shot. But we'll see what happens. A lot could change in 6 months.

To the V-day Haters, I say NAY!

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 14:13:39 GMT

It's almost that time of year again... You know, the time of year when single people think they have free license to bitch and moan about society and "oh poor me, I'm single. Life sucks." That's right! It's almost Valentine's day! The reason I bring this up is because I got asked out for Valentine's Day last night, and though this is the first time in a long time I've had a real date on Valentine's day, I (unlike many people) am not so bitter about this day. And so I am going to post my pro-Valentine's day manifesto that I wrote last year on my old blog, with some changes of course. Please keep in mind that last year when I wrote this, I had just had a really crappy Valentine's day and I still felt pro- V-day. So here goes:

For those of you say "St. Valentine was a murderer and Valentine's day is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies," I say, yes, it is, but Coca-Cola invented the Santa Claus we know and love and De Beers popularized the diamond engagement ring. We have lots of traditions given to us by powerful corporations. So what's your point? It's so interesting to me how people "rebel against consumerism" for this one day each year (notice how they don't give a shit the rest of the year...), but really they're just bitter. Besides, even though it can suck for single people (especially single girls, of which I've been one many a Valentine's day), whats wrong with having yet one more day to celebrate the fact that you're alive and you have people in your life that care about you and do something special? And just think about all the delicious candy that's going to go on sale the day afterwards. Mmmmmmm... Candy. Any holiday that revolves around chocolate can't be too bad in my book.

Typically, what I do if I don't have a date lined up (which has happened for quite a few Valentine's Days, especially because of my bad habit of getting involved in long-distance relationships), I go out with friends. One year, my friend and I went to our favorite places in NYC: The Milkshake Co (grilled cheese and milkshakes! mmmmm...) and then pommes frites (french fries with a variety of dipping sauces) and stuffed ourselves silly. Another year we did a brunch. The point is, we didn't sit around being bitter. If you sit around being bitter, then Hallmark wins! You have to make the most of this fake greeting card holiday and say "No! I do not need your Hallmark greeting card to be happy on this day! I can be happy on this day without it because I am awesome with or without a boyfriend/girlfriend!" Then you win and you have taken the power away from Hallmark.

So there. Stop whining about Valentine's day and just do something fun to celebrate. You'll thank me later, I promise.