A few weeks ago I went and saw The Ugly Truth and I have to say, I was extraordinarily disappointed, not that I even expected all that much to begin with. And even though I saw it a while ago, it's been bothering me so much that I had to write about it. It reinforced some really UGLY stereotypes.

It's no wonder people can't look beyond stereotypes in relationships and actually communicate with each other when movies like this are giving us relationship advice. Basically what I took away from this movie was that all women are neurotic control freaks and go for jerks so that they can change them; in order for someone to like you, don't be yourself - be what you think the other person wants you to be; all men think about is sex (they are not capable of thinking of anything more complex than when and how to get laid next) unless you show no interest in them, and then they will fall in love with you; playing games is the best way to start off a relationship... I could probably go on but I won't.

It makes me really sad when the media furthers these kinds of stereotypes and unhealthy relationship stereotypes. And people say that the reason stereotypes exist is because they're based on truth but in many cases I think stereotypes exist because the media creates and perpetuates them. It makes me really wonder - would men really think about sex so much if the media didn't tell them that they do? (and similarly, would women think about it more if the media didn't tell us that we don't?). It's interesting to me the things we think are natural behaviors that are really learned. Just some food for thought.

It's been a while since I've written... Guess I've been busy! That and I just haven't been sure what to write because my love life is overly complicated right now. But so the reason I am writing today is because it's not about me, so it's easier to know what to write.

I have this friend. All in all he's a good guy. He took me to the hospital once and stayed there with and then made sure I got home safe and sound afterward. We've been through a lot together. But he can be the most negative, self-pitying, whiny sonofabitch I think I've ever met. He's a relationship kind of guy who has been single for about a year and a half now, after a very serious relationship that went very seriously wrong (she cheated and did all sorts of other not so nice things). And whenever he's single, he becomes somewhat intolerable because all he does is bitch about how women suck and how poor him all women are liars who say they like nice guys but don't actually like nice guys and it's bullshit and why doesn't he have a girlfriend when he hasn't done anything wrong, yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, there are times I want to slap him around a little and tell him to snap out of it. First off, you are doing things wrong. I know I write about this alot, but I'm just so sick of hearing guys complain that girls don't like nice guys because it's absolutely not true. Girls like nice guys. What we don't like is insecure guys who feel sorry for themselves and bash women. If you think that all women are lying, coniving bitches, then of course you're not going to get one. Why would you even want one? But apparently you still do since you're whining about it. Secondly, confidence is sexy. And no, that's not bullshit. I don't want to date a guy who is constantly making me validate his self-esteem or is really clingy because he's afraid that if he let's you out of his sight, you'll find someone better. I want to date a guy who is independent, positive, not down on himself, etc. I can't deal with insecure guys, and for some reason a lot of nice guys are insecure (it might have to do with the fact that assholes are assholes partially because they are overly confident). And I realize this sounds cheesy, but if you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you? You need to be ok with who you are and not care what other people think of you. As endearing as it can be to date someone who's constantly looking for your approval, it gets old after about 5 minutes. Although, paradoxically, nice guys have seem to have high self-esteem in some regards by the simple virtue that they refer to themselves as "nice guys" and "good people." So I'm not really sure why they're so insecure if they think so highly of themselves.

Third, self-pity in particular is extremely unattractive. My friend seems to think he's the only one who's had his heart broken and that he's the only one with baggage. I want to shake him and yell "everyone has baggage! GET OVER IT! IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SPECIAL!" Everyone has gone through heart break and heartbreak is all relative so while your situation may sound worse on paper, that doesn't mean it was actually more difficult for you. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. You will meet someone special eventually. You will not be alone forever. But it's going to be a lot longer if you keep ranting about how much you hate women and hate your life.

Also, talking to women helps. My friend bitches that he hasn't met anyone in the last year and a half but he doesn't really make an effort to meet new women and he's not interested in dating any of the girls he's already friends with. So many nice guys don't take the steps they need to actually pursue women. They seem to think that just because they are nice, women should automatically fall madly in love with them, even when the woman has received no signal that the guy is even remotely interested. Guess what guys, we need signals. We need you to show interest. Otherwise we are not going to waste our time and we are going to move on to someone who is showing interest in us.

My apologies if this is long, too detailed and rambling. I'm just trying to work some stuff out for myself right now. If you've read previous blog entries, you may know that I am in the process of getting back together with my ex, the army guy. When he asked me to get back together, I told him not unless (and until) he moves to New York (he lives in Pennsylvania). I told him that we needed to work on the things that went wrong when we dated the first time: our communication, his commitment (or lack thereof), etc. And I told him that this work is going to take time - time which we don't really have right now because he is away at army training. We've been talking a fair amount and so we have been working on our communication and stuff, but I don't think that this is the way to start a relationship. I want to wait until he's back and we can see each other more often at the very least.

He broke my heart. Badly. Really really badly. I made all these huge commitments to him that I wasn't ready to make because he got stop lossed and was possibly going to be sent to Iraq, and even though I wasn't ready to make the level of commitment to wait for him, I loved him and so I did. It was important to me that we be together, even if that meant making some sacrifices. What I got in return was that he took me for granted, couldn't make the same commitments, made me last priority in his life and then broke up with me.

I do think he's matured a lot since we broke up. He is much more willing to commit. I'm no longer his last priority. He has made the promise to move to New York. He even told his parents that he is going to move to New York, which is a big step for him because his family was part of what was preventing him from moving in the first place.

The problem is, now I'm not sure I am ready to commit. I told him that I wouldn't get back together with him until he moved to New York because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again. I need to see real proof that he's going to follow through, and his words aren't enough because he's said these words to me before (that I'm the most important thing in his life and that he wants to move to New York) but then 2 months later he took it all back. I can't trust him the way that I used to. And I honestly still have a lot of anger bottled up inside from our first relationship, and we can't have a functional relationship until I find a way to get rid of this anger.

Last night, he issued an ultimatum: either stop seeing other people, or stop seeing him. Period. And I love him and I want to be with him. I'm not even really seeing anyone else right now. But I can't bring myself to make the commitment not to see anyone else. I am just not ready. I have to deal with my anger, and I think the only thing that's going to make that better is time.

I just feel like I need more time, but the sad thing is, I'm not even sure what that means. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him, but we basically are in a relationship already, so I'm not really sure what I'm not ready for. I'm not sure what I want or what I need. I just need more time. I can't deal with this ultimatum thing because I'm not ready to make that decision. I don't have the courage to put my heart in harm's way again. He's frustrated because he can't do anything right now. Right now all he has are his words and those aren't enough. I understand why he's frustrated, but there's nothing either of us can really do about it. I just need more time. More time to let the hurt and the anger heal. But how can I get him to give me more time? He said he can't stand the thought of me with someone else. That he can't be with me if there's even the possibility of me seeing someone else because all he'll do is wonder when I'm out, who I'm with and what I'm doing with them. And I understand where he's coming from, but I can't just make myself be ready. And honestly I don't need to see other people. But if I make the commitment not to, we're basically back in a relationship. And I'm not ready for that commitment right now. I don't know what I want or what I need. I just need time to figure that out, and I'm not sure he's willing to give me that.